Things Not to Say to Your Aging Parents

Supporting our parents as they age can be a struggle — relationship dynamics shift, we may take on new responsibilities, and tensions can run high. This is why keeping the lines of communication open is so important to avoid building resentment on both sides.

If your loved one is dealing with side effects from dementia like memory loss — communication can become even more challenging — which makes choosing our words carefully a must. In this post, we’ll help you identify things not to say to your aging parents struggling with memory loss.

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7 Things NOT to Say to Someone with Dementia

If you’re struggling to keep the peace with your aging parents, it may be time to consider adjusting your approach to communication. Here are some examples of what not to say to someone with dementia or memory loss:

1. Don’t Argue

Arguing with someone who has dementia is an exercise in futility. First of all, you’ll never win the argument. But worse than that, you’ll likely cause enough distress that your parents will lash out in frustration or anger. Rather than wasting everyone’s energy, your best is to change the subject and keep the conversation moving.

2. Don’t Reason

There is simply no reasoning with someone who has dementia. Seniors struggling with a loss of cognitive function often lose their ability to reason and understand why a certain request may have been denied. Rather than trying to reason with them, try to divert their attention with a distraction.

3. Don’t Correct or Contradict

You don’t need to correct every little mistake your aging parents make. In fact, there’s very little value in contradicting a dementia patient. If they’re able to recognize their mistake, they likely already feel embarrassed by the error. If they’re not able to understand the error, trying to correct them is only going to cause emotional distress.

4. Don’t Ask If They Remember Something or Try to Jog Their Memory

When making conversation with someone who has dementia, try to avoid asking questions that require them to recall specific people or events. It may be tempting to try to encourage them to recall a shared memory, but this can leave those suffering from dementia feeling like they’re being quizzed. It can cause embarrassment and frustration over the inability to remember. Beyond that, there is no evidence that prompting those with memory loss will actually help them to recall or retain memories.

Similarly, try to avoid potential “gotcha” moments like asking if they remember a specific loved one who has come to visit.

5. Don’t Ask Open-Ended Questions

Avoid asking dementia patients too many open-ended questions. Even small talk like, “What did you have for lunch today?” can lead to embarrassment or frustration when they are unable to remember.

6. Avoid Potentially Triggering Topics like Loved Ones Who Have Passed

It’s common for dementia patients to believe a spouse, parent, or another loved one who has passed away is still alive. Unless they specifically ask you if someone has passed away, there is simply no reason to correct them. They may be unwilling or unable to believe you causing them to take their anger and confusion out on you. Or, they may have to deal with the loss as if it were fresh, only to forget and ask again later.

7. Don’t Take Things Personally or Let Your Emotions Take Over

No one can blame you for getting impatient with your elderly parents — but it is important to try and let cooler heads prevail. As difficult as this is for you, try to understand the fear and discomfort that comes with memory loss from dementia. Your parents are doing the best they can to adapt, and sometimes you will simply need to take the high road and remember that it isn’t personal.

If you need help caring for an aging parent with dementia, reach out to learn more about our home care services, contact our caregiving team today at 1-800-GRISWOLD or find a Caregiver near you.